Are you ready to join a Federal Europe? Try this simple quiz to
determine just how European you really are...
1. Your wife has asked you to pop into Marks and Sparks to buy her a new
bra, but when you get to the cash desk you notice there is a large queue.
What do you do?
a. Take your place in line and wait patiently to be served.
b. Put the bra back on the shelf and return later when the queue is
shorter.
c. Barge directly to the front of the line and scream, "Ich leber stomph
das bustenholten!"
2. You are driving around a roundabout when a car suddenly swerves in
front of you causing you to brake sharply. How do you react?
a. Drive on, perhaps tutting under your breath.
b. Beep your horn at the offending motorist to let him know you're
annoyed.
c. Screech to a halt diagonally across the front of the other car, leap
out and bang your fists repeatedly on his bonnet shouting, "Bastardo!
Bastardo! Mamma Mia! Bastardo!"
3. You are walking along the pavement when a rather attractive looking
woman passes by. Do you:
a. Look away modestly, perhaps blushing slightly.
b. Smile and maybe say, "Hello".
c. Smear a tub of Brylcreem all over your head, pinch her bottom then
proceed to follow her around for half an hour, together with twenty of
your mates, all riding pathetic little scooters, making a variety of crude
and suggestive remarks.
4. You're busy at work when suddenly you realise it's 12 o'clock. What
do you do?
a. Have lunch, read the paper, then return to work 45 minutes later.
b. Ignore the time and keep working until you've finished the task at
hand.
c. Sit down under a tree and go to sleep for six hours.
5. You're holidaying on a beach when you see a rather old and weary
looking donkey giving rides to children. What would you do?
a. Pay no attention. It's a fairly common sight.
b. Pat the donkey on the head and offer it a lump of sugar.
c. Goad it with a sharp stick, then get 50 of your friends to jump up
and down on its back until it falls over and dies. Then go to sleep for six
hours.
6. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish. Do
you:
a. Roll over and go back to sleep.
b. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit.
c. Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come round and spend
the next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions and garlic, smoking Gitane
and drinking 48 litres of wine.
7. You arrive at work first thing in the morning. What is the first
thing you do?
a. Start the day's work straight away.
b. Sit in the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper.
c. Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues, hugging them
and kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not seen them for twenty
years.
8. You admire your neighbour's lawn which is particularly well kept.
Which of the following would you do?
a. Nothing. You're quite happy with your own patchy area of grass.
b. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his.
c. After promising him that you won't, move your garden fence onto his
land making his lawn part of your garden. If he complains, shoot him.
9. You are walking down the street when you see an old lady being mugged
by two youths. Would you:
a. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to fight the
youths off.
b. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police.
c. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality by waving a
little white flag above your head, then scarper back to your underground
nuclear bomb shelter and try to work out how much money you've made by selling
vastly overpriced timepieces and multi-purpose folding knives.
10. Your local football team has won a game. How would you celebrate.
Would you:
a. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends.
b. Just stay at home. You aren't that interested in football.
c. Drive around in circles in a stupid little twenty year old Fiat with
six people on the roof, screaming Ole' ole' ole' ole' at the top of your
voice waving your arms out of the windows and honking the bloody horn all
night.
Clearly if you are a true European you would have answered C to all of
the above.
Being recently on holiday in Europe, I couldn’t help noticing some particular local traits in certain countries.
If you’ve ever travelled to the Yorkshire dales, you may have visited, albeit only in passing, the small market town of Otley, north of Leeds. This is a remarkably small town in that one can find signposts to it quite inordinate distances away, even on the North Yorkshire moors. All roads, it seems, lead to Otley. The same feature appears to be true in Germany. When travelling on the autobahns anywhere in the country one can find signs to a place called Ausfahrt. Although I’ve never been there, this is clearly a place of some significance to both the Germans and Austrians. Whereas in the UK, favourite house names are many with perhaps the most common being Chez nous and Dunroamin, in the German speaking part of Europe, the commonest house name appears to be Ausfahrt freihalten, which is presumably the full name of the place.
The French, who like most other Europeans drive on the right, have a quaint driving habit which appears to be taught at driving schools. I refer to the practice of continually indicating left when overtaking. While this makes sense on single carriageways, it starts to get a little nonsensical on dual carriageways. So one sees cars frantically indicating left while overtaking a long line of traffic on the inside lane. The practice can be excused on dual carriageways and most of the French autoroutes, which are also two lane dual carriageways, as it cannot really lead to any confusion. However, the French clearly have a problem on three lane and four lane autoroutes. Does the left indicator of a vehicle in the second lane mean "I’m moving into the third lane" or I’m staying in the second lane". One clearly has to attempt to read the prevailing traffic conditions relevant to that vehicle to determine whether it is staying in or moving out. I’m pleased to say that the French have come up with their own solution to this problem. This is that one drives only in the middle lane, or third lane on four lane roads, except when overtaking something else in the same lane. In this latter situation, the normal indicator practice can prevail without confusion.
The Austrians and Germans have a scheme which would appeal to the Aberdeen Council Roads dept. Where a road is damaged, they don't repair it but just put up a sign saying "Frost Damage" or "Damaged Road" or "Uneven Road" or whatever and occasionally also reduce the speed limit. This must save considerable sums of cash. Moreover, when road repairs are carried out, they don't bother with the inconvenience of diversions or closure of one carriageway at a time, they just dig up the whole road. I had the pleasure of driving for almost 5 miles over a road being repaired, i.e. the surface had been totally removed and the underlying hardcore replenished but not rolled. Not recommended in your own car.
On a more serious note, don’t get caught out in Austria as I did on their motorways. The German abbreviation for car is PKW (personenkraftwagen). There are frequent signs on the Austrian autobahns regarding the need for a Vignette, essentially a motorway toll disc, which is required by Buses and KFZ up to 12Tonne. As I was driving a PKW, I assumed that this did not apply to me and this was confirmed by two hotels at which I stayed. Wrong!!. As a very nice policeman explained, KFZ, means all traffic and buses are specifically mentioned to included buses over 12tonnes. Therefore I did require a vignette. The cheapest is only 70 schillings, about £3.45 and this is a Wochenvignette (week vignette) which lasts for 9 days. The Austrian you see are very practical and realise that most tourists who drive to Austria are likely to be there for the most part of both week ends at the start and end of the holiday. As tourism is one of their biggest industries, they have clearly made some concessions for tourists to eliminate the need to buy the monthly vignette at 250 schillings. So before you use the Austrian autobahns make sure you buy a Vignette at the border post or most garages.
Terry Nicholls 30/05/99
I want to go back to school now for a Ph.D or a Masters in electrical. I want to also pursue a business course if possible. I suppose I need this qualification more now than ever because of the way the Company is restructuring itself. Globally there is an ongoing de-regulation and privatisation of the utility industry. The Zambian energy industry is no exception. This exercise is mainly driven by the World Bank who it seems now control almost all developing countries. The need for me to adapt quickly to the changing environment is tremendous and as such I need to add another degree or qualification.
Out of interest we had a big inferno at a petrochemical plant not far from where I work. I am yet to read the report on it but it seems to me to be similar to the Piper Alpha disaster. It appears some pipes had been leaking. Anyhow I will read the report and tell you more.
Best wishes to all my friends - Martin Mara Mweemba
30/06/99
As this web site is not secure, I feel it is not appropriate to give any details of the proposals. I have asked to be informed once OPRA have reached a decision and will communicate this fact in this news page (but again will not be able to give specific details).
03/04/99 Terry Nicholls
Update - July 1999.
It is understood that the regulator has still not made a decision on the proposed merger with the Laing Pension scheme. However, information on this is proving difficult to obtain. As you may know, the OGL pension scheme is run by Sedgwick Noble Lowndes or more specifically by a Jim Doran of that company. Mr Doran is an elusive chap to the extent that, had I not seen him in the flesh, I would have thought that he was a fictitious character much like the names given by Readers Digest as receipients of correspondence on specific subjects. It appears that Mr Doran is always busy and unable to take a telephone call and the same appears to apply to his secretary. Sending a FAX or leaving your number for a reply appears to be of no avail. Why do I have this opinion? Because despite numerous efforts on numerous occasions in the last four years, I have never spoken to Mr Doran nor received any correspondence from him in response to any query I have raised.
The COMPETITION therefore is to be the first to get a written answer on the present status of the OGL pension fund from Mr Doran. In case you don't have his address or telephone number, they are as follows
Sedgwick Noble Lowndes
Keith House
2 Redheughs Rigg
Edinburgh
EH12 9DQ
tel 0131 317 2000
fax 0131 317 8877
The 1st (and only) prize for this competition is that which you already have, a written response from Jim Doran. This should be kept for at least ten years when it could become worth around £18 per ton
14/07/99
Update 15/11/99
Have contacted the Pension department in Laing again. There is apparently still no movement on the rension transfer but I have been promised a more definate update this week. However, another member of the scheme has received from another source some correspondance on the OGL pension fund transfer. This correspondance includes the passage below
We are hoping to issue the final stage notice, which will be a three month notice, to members within the coming weeks. The Occupational Pensions Regulatory Authority has reviewed this notice and has approved its issue. However, there are one or two technical difficulties regarding transferring members to the John Laing Pension Scheme without explicitly requesting their consent - we hope that these technical difficulties can be resolved within the next couple of weeks. If they cannot be resolved, then second stage notice may explicitly ask members to offer their consent to be transferred in to the John Laing Fund.
Once the above transfer has taken place and the benefits have been enhanced, it will be possible to transfer benefits to an alternative arrangement
Watch this space for any new information
Update 04/01/00
There is now some activity on the proposed transfer of the OGL pension fund to the Laing pension fund. Members of the OGL scheme should have received letters two years ago from Sedgwick Noble Lowndes giving notice of this proposed transfers. If you did not receive such a letter or you have moved in the last two years, please let me know (use the CONTACT form) as you may well not receive any further information from those handling the pension scheme.
Information has been received from Laing that the Pensions Regulator and the Scheme Actuary have given the go-ahead for the proposed transfer to be put to members. The matter is now in the hands of the Laing Pensions department who are in the process of drawing up an appropriate mailing to scheme members. It is hoped to send this mailing out as soon as possible but, in pension terms, I understand this could mean a few weeks. It is still possible that the proposals could be referred back to the Regulator by a member or members not happy with aspects of the proposed transfer but if there are any future unforeseen problems which would result in further delays, Laings pension department will keep me informed.
As I understand it, one objection to the transfer as originally proposed was that there was to be a surplus left in the OGL fund after the transfer. It was felt that members were entitled to have all of the OGL fund used for their benefit. It remains to be seen whether there has been any significant change in the transfer proposals so the contents of the mailing from Laing will need to be carefully read once received.
If there is generally felt to be a need for it, there could be a general meeting of members in the Aberdeen area to discuss the proposals and perhaps to have a Laing representative clarify any points. This page will keep you informed of any future news received.
Note: Sedgewick Noble Lowndes is now William M Mercer. Mr D Whitehead is dealing with the OGL Pension scheme.
-Direct tel 0131-317-2107
Direct fax 0131-317-8877
Update 12/01/00 - Request for help
I am assisting Laing's pension department in tracking down members of the pension scheme for whom they have no address. I have been asked to respond by 21/01/00 so presumably it is intended to send out a mailing soon after that date. I'm having some difficulty with finding the whereabouts of the following people. If anyone can put me in touch with the undermentioned (or can put them in touch with me), it would be appreciated and would also be helpful to the people concerned.
UPDATE 25/01/00
Some feed-back has been received on the OGL pension fund and proposed transfer in the form of questions and comments from fund members. These are listed below - A) to F). If you have any specific queries or any information not included here or in the Pensions section of the OLD NEWS page, please contact us.
A) The most common question was Why has there been such a delay in the transfer? It's likely that only the Pensions regulator can answer that one.
B) In the last mailing regarding the transfer proposals it was reported that after the upgrade of the pension entitlements, there would be a surplus which would go to OGL. This statement is still raising two queries.
i) How much was the surplus?
ii) Who now is OGL?
C) Will there be a financial statement showing the position of the fund at the time of the last review.
D) As there has been over 2.5 years since the last review and taking into account the significant increase in stock market values over that period, the fund position must now be significantly improved compared to the last valuation.
Would this warrant a further review of the scheme for the members benefit or does it simply mean that the surplus will be greater?
Continuing on the same theme, will there be a financial statement showing the current position of the fund?
E) In the event that members have any queries on the new proposals, with whom should they take them up? In the event of a large number of queries, would there be a members meeting addressed by representatives from Laing and Mercers?
F) What is the situation for a member who retires between now and the date of any transfer to the Laing pension scheme and how would that transfer affect the pension?
Some or all of these questions may be answered by the forthcoming mailing.
UPDATE 26/01/00
The expected mailing is due for 1st February and will deal with some of the queries raised above. It has taken a lot of time to ensure that the mailing is acceptable to the Occuptational Pensions Regulatory Authority (which explains past delays) and any amendments need to be cleared with that body first.
However, it has been advised that:
The notice will set out the amount of surplus and the value of the proposed benefit improvements (albeit these figures have been prepared at 1st January 1999).
Whilst strong investment performance increase the scheme's assets, it can also serve to increase the value placed on liabilities - since these are partly calculated by reference to current market conditions.
The mailing will also provides telephone numbers and addresses for members to contact either Richard Sumner at Laing or their advisers - William M Mercer Limited (Jim Doran) with queries.
Mr Sumner would have no objections to addressing a meeting of members if required - presumably Aberdeen would be the most sensible venue. Alternatively, or in addition, a written question and answer briefing could be posted to members covering the main issues - assuming this is acceptable to OPRA.
Basically, the transfer proposals do not appear to have changed since they were first raised in Autumn 1997. Only the surplus appears to have got bigger.
The bottom line is this. It must be assumed that the proposals meet all the legal requirements for the scheme. In this respect there appears little point in objecting to them particularly as they have already been reviewed by the Pensions Regulator
However, the size of the surplus is causing some bad feeling. The point is made in the original letter from Sedgewick Noble Lowndes that the surplus in the scheme was due, "at least in part" to the input of a high level of funding by OGL and the implication is that this merits the return of a large sum to OGL. The letter from Laing indicates that the surplus was over 2 million pounds but part was used to finance the increase in benefits outlined in both letters.
The improvements in the scheme are real improvements. Pension payments will be indexed linked, up to 5% maximum, and the full pension entitlement will be available for men from the age of 60. However, this still leaves those prior to pensionable age with a deferred pension which is not subject to any form of uplift or index linking. This isn't a problem if you're over 55 but if you're under 50 it certainly is. Further, there has been no increase in any deferred pension entitlement, as far as I am aware, since 1994. I have another deferred pension with another company. Since 1994 there have been 2 increases in deferred pension entitlements due to scheme surpluses. However, that particular pension scheme does allow for periodic reviews and increases whereas I believe the OGL scheme does not.
Still, 1.4 million is an awful lot in a scheme with only just over 60 members and the scheme surely was intended to benefit those members, not to act as an investment vehicle for other parties. However, the rationale behind the action on the residual surplus is this. As it would be the "employers" duty to make good any shortfall in the fund, it is therefore reasonable for them to take out any residual surplus. Advice is being taken regarding any suitable action.
Further information has been obtained regarding some of the missing details about the scheme. OGL is still a company albeit a wholly owned subsidiary of John Laing Ltd. The Trustee is a Trust "Company" and Richard Sumner is a director of that organisation. Any letter to "the Trustee" should be addressed to Richard.
All pension members, whose e-mail addresses are known, will be directly contacted when and if any proposals for action are suggested. Don't hold your breath. Details will not appear on this page. Please use the contact form or e-mail if you have any comment or views on the transfer proposals.
T. Nicholls 08/02/00
2) A further question and answer exercise has been undertaken between myself and Richard Sumner of Laing. The Q & A are listed below as written with the questions in blue and Richard's answers in italics. Additional comments by me are in brackets.
a) When will the additional benefits mentioned in the letter come into force?
The additional benefits will come into force from the date that regulatory authority is received for the Trustees wind proposals; hopefully as soon as possible after the end of April
b) Can you confirm that the indexing referred to in the proposals only affects actual pension payments and not the level of a deferred pension?
Once pensions are in payment, through the JLPF, they will be indexed against the retail prices index to a maximum of 5% in any year. This is called Limited Price Indexation LPI).
Increases above LPI have been paid but these are entirely discretionary. This treatment of pensions in payment is significantly better that than that currently applying to OGL pensioners. The wind up proposal will not affect the way in which pensions in deferment are revalued.
(This answer appears to indicate that there is a mechanism for reviewing deferred pensions but they are not index linked - T.N.)
c) If b) is confirmed, is there any mechanism within the Laing pension scheme for any periodic review of deferred pension levels with a view to uplifting these where conditions allow?
The Company and Trustees do review benefits for all groups of members; actives, pensioners and deferreds from time to time. Any improvements following review are entirely discretionary, however, and you must not assume that any future reviews will lead to further improvements for one or all categories of members.
d) At the point of transfer, I understand that a further review of the OGL scheme will take place. If the state of the fund permits it, would there be any further enhancement of pension entitlements, such as a one off uplift.
(Note : this question refers to the last paragraph on the first page of the Feb 1st letter and uses the term "review" mistakenly instead of the term recalculation. However, the answer is quite emphatic - TN)
I do not know where the suggestion comes from that there will be a further review on transfer, certainly not from Jim Doran or myself. There will be no further review on transfer as this would be the same as agreeing to further improvements on the transfer package at this stage. I hope I have made it clear that what is on offer now is the offer and will not be further enhanced.
e) Will all members receive a statement of their pension entitlement (deferred or otherwise) on transfer?
At the time of transfer WM Mercer will produce a transfer statement for each member indicating what their benefits are. In addition, I will write to members about the John Laing Pension Fund and will enclose a form asking for personal information on the members and also asking, among other things, if those over 50 wish to apply for an immediate pension.
f) Assuming there are no objections, do you have an approximate target date for completion of the transfer?
Assuming that there are no formal objections by the end of April, we will then need the go-ahead from OPRA and the PSO (the Pension Schemes Office of the Inland Revenue). I have pencilled in a further 3 months from the end of April and the target date is therefore the end
of July. Please do not take this as definite!
(Please note that the actual date depends on the speed with which OPRA and the PSO deal with the proposals and is therefore to some extent indeterminate -TN)
g) Where members are considering a transfer out, would it be better for them to do this before or after the transfer to Laing?
The transfer values after the official agreement to the transfer has been given should generally be higher reflecting the improved benefits. You should be aware, however, that Transfer
Values do also reflect the month by month changes in the investment market conditions and can go up or down. These movements are completely independent of any changes to the Transfer Value as a result of the transfer to the John Laing Pension Fund. Those wishing to transfer out must
make their own financial decision on timing but should at least consider waiting
until the outcome of the 3 month consultation is clear.
(i.e. until at least after April 30th to see if there have been any objections to the transfer proposals. Any objections would produce a delay in the implementation of the enhancements. - TN).
So there you have it. It appears that the transfer proposals are as good as it gets and that there is also a mechanism for discretionary improvements to all or parts of the JL scheme.
T. Nicholls 29/02/00
Update 15/05/00
The required period for complaints etc regarding the proposed pension fund transfer to Laings has expired without any formal complaints. The matter has now been referred back to OPRA for the next stage. The pace of progress now depends on the speed with which the matter is dealt with firstly by OPRA and then by the Pension Schemes Office of the Inland Revenue. I am assured that the Laing pension department is pushing for as speedy a resolution of this part of the process as is possible. Once OPRA have given the final clearance I understand that a further letter should be sent out by the Laing Pension dept.
It is interesting to note that a similar event is occurring within British Airways where the company is proposing to merge the pre-privatisation pension scheme and the post privatisation scheme. This will apparently release substantial funds to the Company. Once again all of this is apparently perfectly legal. On one side of the argument are the trade unions who are saying they had an assurance from the Company that all of the money in the earlier scheme would only be used for the benefit of the scheme members while on the other side of the coin there is the Company and the pensions experts saying that all previous benefits are being maintained so members should have nothing to complain about. Sounds familiar doesn't it.
T. Nicholls 15/05/00
Update 22/09/00
All members should ahve received a letter from Laing Pensions department detailing the progress of the transfer which should be effective from Oct 13th this year.
Thanks to all of you who participated in the initial queries regarding the transfer. The outcome, while no ideal, is definately an improvement on the old scheme. Best wishes to all scheme members
T. Nicholls 22/09/00
Do not use while sleeping
You could be a winner!
No purchase necessary
Details inside
Serving suggestion : DEFROST.
Do not turn upside down.
Warning! Product will be hot after heating.
Do not iron clothes on body.
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Warning : may cause drowsiness
Warning : contains nuts.
Instructions :
Open packet
Eat nuts
Warning : only for indoor or outdoor use.
Not to be used for the other use.
We found the roads much as usual(just followed the white lines) and there were no abnormal amounts of traffic so we got through Plymouth in good time. The day before the eclipse we visited the "Lost Gardens of Heligan", which were the subject of a couple of documentary series on the TV in the last year. The place was not crowded to begin with but became mobbed by mid afternoon. Still it's well worth a visit if you like that sort of thing.
On the day of the eclipse, the British weather took a hand. There were two levels of cloud which became useful at times. Breaks in the lower cloud allowed a view of the eclipse through the upper cloud without the need for a screen or filter. The day got slowly dull and noticeably
cooler but it was surprising how light it was even when the sun was almost completely covered.
It also became quite quiet as all the animals shut up for what they presumably thought was dusk. Then suddenly the sun disappeared behind the cloud and it went dark very quickly, in about 5 or 6 seconds, as though someone had turned the dimmer switch down. Due to some diffused light from the clouds, it wasn't pitch dark but dark enough. After just under two minutes, the dimmer switch was turned up again just as quickly but we didn't see the sun again until it was about 60% uncovered. So we missed actually seeing totality with the corona and diamond ring but the experience of night in the middle of the day was one I felt was worthwhile. So here's to the next one somewhere in the world in about 2 years.
Terry Nicholls 18/08/99
Now Christmas is over, I think I can get away with this one
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the booze and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw of which it was made.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to put it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
"When you've got a minute...."
"Could you fit this in...."
"In your spare time......"
"I know you're busy but....."
"I have an opportunity for you.."
This has to be one of the best ways to spend an afternoon. Possibly the most fun you can have with your clothes on?
Your chance to give it large on the track with no chance of being stopped and (probably) no one coming the other way.
As Jonathan Frost, Roy Campbell and I set off from Aberdeen, I think we were all a bit nervous but too macho to admit it. There was a lot of bravado, but as our start time drew near we grew a bit quiet, with some sly glances trying to size up the other pupils. After the introductory briefing where the emphasis was very much on safety, we were assigned our instructor for the day. All of the instructors are racers, some like Roger Bennett have a track record longer than an orangutang's arm. This was our chance to rub shoulders with guys who really get their knee down for a purpose. I was surprised that these track stars look very ordinary a bit like you and I, albeit with considerably more talent.
Jonathan and I were teamed up with John Campbell, who races a 600 and a 750. John was very friendly and quickly put us at our ease. He explained that the first session would be follow my leader until we learned the lines, then he would go a bit quicker to show us the way. After session one we fired lots of questions at John and once again we were on the track. This time John picked up the pace lap by lap, but he was careful to check his mirrors to see that we were able to keep up. After this session we were anxious to get back out their and this time Jonathan was determined to get his knee down. We were going pretty fast, passed everyone at least once and believe me even a Honda Hornet is fast enough to scare you (well it scared me anyway).
It's pretty scary being on a racetrack, but following a rider who knows what he is doing gives you confidence. They have cones at the turn in apex and run out points to give you an idea and if you haven't started to brake before the board which says in big red writing BRAKE NOW gives you a hint that perhaps you ought. Did I enjoy it, you bet!
They have a vote for the best rider on the day. Please, please, please ask me who that was.
Bob Wilson 17/01/00
What follows is a transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between a U.S naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S.S. LINCOLN, THE SECOND-LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Since my last report, he has hit rock bottom and started to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This employee is really not so much a has-been, more of a definite won't-be.
Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold them all together.
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than a normal ignoramus.
He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
He doesn't have ulcers but he's certainly a carrier.
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
He's been working with glue too much.
He would argue with a signpost.
He has a knack for making strangers immediately.
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.
Donated his brain to science before he was done with it.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but there's no train coming.
Has two brains - one is lost, and the other is out looking for it.
If he were anymore stupid, he'd need to be watered twice a week.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, he'd need to make change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm and made it to conception.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge: he gargled.
Takes him one and a half hours to watch '60 Minutes'.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and
realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots
a man down below. He lowers the balloon further
and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air
balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says
the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have
told me is technically correct, but it's of no use
to anyone."
The man below says "You must work in management."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you
know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you
are, or where you're going, but you expect me to
be able to help.
You're in the same position as you were before we
met, but now it's my fault."
A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at a leading Mental Health institute. "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press: no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject.
Below is the winner:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.
........ and then this mail got this reply from one of the recipients......
I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.
Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
p = s * t(t) / t
where
p is the probability of carpet impact
s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering
substance
(an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast
topping in permanently staining the carpet.
Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very
high s value, while the s value of water is
zero.)
t and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and
topping
(the value of p is strongly related to the
relationship between the colour of the carpet
and topping, as even chicken tikka masala
won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if
the carpet is the same colour.)
So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet.
Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.
Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety, but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, it should be replaced by a monorail system powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.
And here's one for the ladies
A handful of ex-OGL staff and present-day Materials Engineering staff combined to enjoy this Sunset Boulevard event, which was sponsored by Materials Engineering. Performances took second place to a good natter and therefore tended to be variable, although some were improved in the second game with the assistance of the gutter bumpers.
Certificates and a bottle of bubbly were presented to the star performers on the night, who were as follows:
- Hi-series male
- Alastair Tawns
- Hi-game Male
- Jim Davidson
- Most Stylish male
- Ewan Warren
- Hi-series female
- Claire Phillips
- Hi-game female
- Tina Fraser
- Most stylish female
- Melanie Tawns
A similar event will most probably be organised next spring. Watch the events page for details.
27/11/99 T. Nicholls
It may be the headquarters of NATO and the EEC but a visit to Brussels can show that this European city is a mixture of the new, old and positively derelict. 
Having recently visited Amsterdam, I thought a gentle walk to one of Brussels canals would start the visit of pleasantly. If you have a penchant for old, dirty buildings and streets, this would have thrilled you but my wife was less than moved by the surroundings and was only placated when we eventually reached the tourist zone starting with Manekin Pis. Naturally, as with most big European cities, the grotty quarter had been specifically designated as the immigrant area but there were some shops and cafes full of eastern character.
The higher part of the city houses some of the older and more magnificent buildings including the Royal palace and many municipal buildings. One of these, the Palais de Justice, was once the largest building ever constructed in Europe and is imposing but again rather grotty. There is renovation being carried out on numerous old buildings although these are in a minority and there does not appear to be a general planned renovation program. The main shopping street is pedestrianised and appears quite well maintained. Unfortunately, Marks & Spencers, while looking smart in itself, is next door to another crumbling relic of a building. So on a short walk through the city centre one can see brand new steel and glass buildings together with older, well maintained buildings side by side with buildings literally falling to pieces to such an extent that they are screened off to protect passers by.
Another quirky feature are the trams. On the high part of the city, the trams trundle along the old cobbled and newer tarmac streets. 
However, a trip down the hill to the lower town reveals a complete absence of trams despite them being marked on the city map. The reason is that they run underground. Confused - we were until were took a tram trip back from the Atomium, near Heysel Stadium. This ran around the outskirts of Brussels passing many very desirable residences before turning into the centre and diving underground to join parts of the metro system.
On the plus side, Brussels has a huge number of bars and reasonably priced restaurants. We were pleased to find that sea-food, particularly lobster, was available in most restaurants to the extent that we never quite managed to partake of the national dish of chips with mayonnaise. There is a bewildering array of beers available with several beer types. The fruit beers appear popular although not to my taste. I found I liked Duval, Westmalle and Hoegarden each with their distinctive glasses. Another pleasant beer was Kwak, which is served in a vase shaped glass which comes with its own wooden retort type stand to enable it to be stood upright.
A visit to Brussels is worth while, once. Maybe when it gets cleaned up and renovated it could be worth repeat visits.
12/05/00 T. Nicholls
Twenty one stalwart souls turned up for this evening at the Soul & Spice Cafe bar in Belmont street Aberdeen on Thurdsay, November 16th. An earlier aperitif session at the Old Schoolhouse was attended by seven of the party.
The Cafe offers a selection of very cold African lagers in addition to more recognisable drinks and the two course buffet was very well received. One item of note was a type of turkey satay wrapped around cocktail sticks. It was almost black but quite hot, too hot for some.
After the meal, there was a modest cabaret - one dancer - who quickly volunteered four others to come and join her in African style dancing followed by limbo dancing. Pictures will can be found in the Photo Album (Post OGL Events) section of this site.
The only down side was that the place had only three other customers on that evening, a Thursday, so business does not seem to be good during the week. Let's hope the week-ends are better as I'd likel to try it again, a-la-carte.
Finally, apologies to those of you, particularly the footballers, who might have wanted to go but can't make Thursdays. The choice of night was recommended by the cafe, perhaps becuase it's one of their quiet nights.
T. Nicholls 19/11/00
The recent news regarding the BSE cases in France has once again raised the profile of this disease and its human derivative
The recent news regarding the BSE cases in France and Germany has once again raised the profile of this disease and its human derivative. The 79 cases recently reported from France and the 2 from Germany actually pale into insignificance compared with the numbers still being found in the UK. A feel for the extent of those numbers was given by the new First Minister for Scotland who, in question time on the 16th Nov 2000 mentioned the need to keep the present restrictions in being due to the very much higher level of cases still reported each year in the UK (see below for extract). This figure puts 79 and 2 into context.
The whole BSE situation has been handled with the interests of the industry foremost rather than those of the consumer and the lies started in the late 1980 and early 1990's have now been stated so often that they are now treated as facts. Let me deal with the two biggest lies. 1) The BSE crisis is one a past event which will have consequences in the future but is now not relevant to today's meat and 2) Beef less than 30 months old is safe to eat.
I'll deal with the latter first. The 30-month rule was a cynical ploy by the Tory Government of the time to mislead people. The argument went that if the animal didn't show the symptoms of the disease, then it couldn't have it and was therefore safe to eat. This blatant lie has not been exposed by the present administrations either in Westminster OR Holyrood. The incubation period for BSE was known to be 3 to 5 years in cattle and it was this fact that influenced the decision to set the 30-month age limit. There is absolutely no guarantee that cattle slaughtered at or below 30 months old are not incubating the disease.
It is now widely accepted that the disease is caused by a primitive form of protein, known as a prion protein. Exactly which of the prion proteins present in animal, and ourselves, has not been positively confirmed but there are certain features of these substances and the BSE causing prion protein in particular, which should be borne in mind when considering the BSE issue. Firstly, the prion protein have the ability to increase - so once infected with the renegade protein, its only a matter of time before it reaches a level at which the rate of damage caused by it becomes greater than the rate of repair. Secondly, there are no tests for the prion directly, only tests to show the results of its action. So a live animal or even a piece of meat cannot be tested to say that it is free from this compound or not - only a dead animal can be tested to look for the damage caused by the prion in the brain and other critical areas. There is fortunately a recently developed test which claims to be able to rapidly tell if a slaughtered animal was incubating the disease even though it did not show any symptoms. The Germans and Italians are now using this test on all slaughtered animals but as yet, no other countries including the UK. Thirdly, as most importantly, the prion protein appears to be virtually indestructible. Animals fed food mixed with the ashes from incinerated BSE infected cattle and fed food contaminated with soil known to have been in contact with BSE cattle remains also developed BSE like symptoms.
So lets look at what each of these features may mean for us. Once infected by the rogue prion protein, there is no cure, one cannot tell that one has been infected and, even if no more contaminated meat is consumed, the bodies rogue prion level will continue to increase. If the infection level was small and you don't live very long afterwards, the chances are that you won't suffer from the final effects of the disease. However, that can't be said for most of us.
We are continually told that beef is safe to eat now. This in spite of the inability of the food industry to prove that their product does not contain the rogue prion protein. The arguments given are that farm animal are not now fed with infected feed and none of the animals slaughtered for human consumption show the symptoms of the disease. Well as for the latter point, they wouldn't anyway. However, the absence of contaminated feed does not mean that animals are not continuing to be infected. Evidence from sheep has shown that Scrapie, the disease from which BSE is thought to have originated, can be transmitted from mother to lamb and some research has suggested that this is occurring in cattle. What needs to be done to protect the population is to change the 30 month rule to a 5 year rule - i.e. not animal should enter the food chain until sufficient time has passed to ensure that it has not developed BSE.
Now to the last point which should have you reaching for the brandy. As testing has shown that the infecting agent is almost indestructible and is not detectable continued cross-infection of the population must be occurring. The sterilising of instruments in hospital as well as in dentists and doctors surgeries is of no use in preventing cross infection of this agent. The blood transfusion service is also not able to check blood for the presence of the agent. So even those who did not become infected by eating beef, still run the risk of cross infection by other means
It is now being admitted by some that we could be in for an epidemic of several thousand cases of new variant CJD, the human version of BSE. Such remarks are generally qualified by a statement to the effect that of course this is a legacy from the past. There is steadfast refusal to concede that not only can it not be proven that the infection is still continuing from the original source, i.e. beef, but that further sources of infection will become greater as time goes on. The actual numbers who may be affected could well be far greater than the presetn official estimates, the higher of which has conceded that figures may be in the 100,000's in the worst cccase, but cannot be said to be even finite at the moment. New variant CJD may well take over from bronchitis as the "British disease". It may be too late for you but you can at least take action as a consumer by not buying the product (watch out for food products containg beef gelatine as well), and by spreading the word to keep the debate going.
T. Nicholls 25/11/00
Extract from http://www.scottish.parliament.uk/official_report/session-00/or090202.htm#Col166
George Lyon:
Does the First Minister agree that measures that have been taken in Scotland, such as the ban on the feeding of meat and bonemeal to animals, including pigs and poultry, the over-30-months scheme under which we slaughter every animal that is over 30 months of age, the removal of specified risk material, and some of the tightest regulations of any abattoir industry in the world mean that Scotch beef is the best and safest product in the world? In view of the rise in the number of cases of SB in countries such as France, can he assure me that he and his ministers are pressing the European Commission to come up to the same standards that we have to meet in Scotland?The First Minister: I share the sentiments on this that George Lyon has expressed. The very much higher level of SB in Britain continues to justify our stringent controls..........
Go to Holyrood web-site to see full answer. Warning - the page takes about 90 seconds to download and the reference to BSE is about half way down. (Tip - find col 166 on the left hand side.)
Back to topThe transfer of the OGL scheme to the John Laing Pension Trust has been completed with effect from October 1st. Anyone 60 yrs old or over should now seriously consider taking their pension as the benefits at 60 are now considerable better than in the old scheme.
I've had my lump sum and am looking forward to my first payment just in time for the festive season. Thanks again to all of you who participated in the initial queries regarding the transfer.
T. Nicholls 19/11/00
The move away from Altens by the LR staff took longer than planned but has finally been accomplished leaving the place eerily empty apart from a few ghosts and the MEL staff (sometimes mistaken for ghosts - it must be the white coats). Anyone want to buy some nice office accomodation?
T. Nicholls 23/09/00
There are an increasing number of e-mails around which purport to be warnings about computer viruses. In many cases the viruses to which these refer are fakes and the e-mail is simply an up-to-date chain letter. The effect of passing on such e-mails is to clog up the web.
Generally,treat e-mails using the phrase "please pass this e-mail on everyone you know" as suspicious.
If you receive such an e-mail, either
A) delete it & do nothing else
or
B) check the authenticity of the alleged virus at the following address:
http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/vinfodb.html.
This will take you to Symantec's virus & hoax search engine. Enter the name of the alleged virus in the box provided and take any appropriate action suggested by the site.
06/05/00
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?
I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip over.
May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make and excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman